if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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