listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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