I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
