I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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