I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
