When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
