Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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