Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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