started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize