I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
