This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
