As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
