I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
