guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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