Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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