i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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