omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
