I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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