I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
