The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
