In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
