Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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