matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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