Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize