No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
