My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
