so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
