You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
