i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
