I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
