I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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