I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
