His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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