sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize