Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
