Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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