Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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