I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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