hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
