I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
