Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
