Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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