I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
