if only i could text you this smell
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
