alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
