I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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