Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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