Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
