I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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