Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
