last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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