Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
