if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
