Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I accidentally had phone sex last night
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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