Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
